Hope is one of those words that sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable.  People say it a lot and treat it like it’s a frilly happy thing or by saying it that everything will be better.  I always hear things like “I hope you feel better.” or “I hope it works out for ya.” and my favorite, “Without hope, you have nothing.”

Hope is spoken a lot when it comes to me and cancer.  “Don’t lose hope that they’ll find a cure.’ or “Don’t stop hoping that you’ll live a really long time.” I’ve always felt that hope means expectation and for me expectations never turn out for me.  I was told once that expectations are premeditated resentments and that’s true for me.   I prefer to be pleasantly surprised when things, anything, goes my way rather than resenting that I hoped for it and it didn’t turn out.

When it comes to me having cancer, I’m not hoping for a cure or hoping I’ll be stable enough to have a relatively long life because I don’t want to be resentful if those things  don’t happen.  I have cancer, terminal cancer, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me because I am not acting like I don’t have it. I’m not permanently depressed or suicidal because I’m not “hoping”.  I live each day as it’s given to me and each day that I wake up is one more day that I am here.  Without expectations.

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