It’s hard to stay positive or sound positive when I’m a natural born pessimist.  It’s hard to think positive when I’m in constant pain, and the only thing I see ahead is 2 more surgeries and chemo and radiation.  It’s hard to think positive when I don’t see an end to all this that is sooner rather than later.  The plastic surgeon said from expander to implant would be ‘quick’ but what does that mean exactly?  2 surgeries a month apart and another 2 months of recovery?  Sometimes I wonder if my vanity and poor body image was worth all this.  Sometimes I second guess it all, forgetting that what started it all wasn’t vanity but cancer.  I have to remind myself of that.   But then I look at my new boob and it makes me happy.   And when there are 2 I’ll be happier still.  And when all the surgeries and chemo and radiation and the like is all done and the cancer is gone I’ll be ecstatic.   But right now, smack dab in the middle of it all, it’s hard to see the end.  It’s hard to be positive.