It’s Tuesday, the day I see the Dr. Today I saw my original radiology oncologist, not sure why. The techs say I’m doing great, the Dr today says it looks ok and they’ll give me some cream next week for it. It gets worse for a couple of weeks after radiation has stopped. Oh joy. It’s already really sensitive, I don’t like anything touching that side, from the middle of my chest to under my arm. Does that mean I’m going to blister or is she just used to seeing the worst?
I did some research on what a bolus is and does, they use one on me, and rather than try and word it myself I borrowed this from Inflammatory Breast Cancer Help-Radiation : Bolus, a flabby, rubbery material, is used to ‘fool’ the radiation beam so it will deposit the maximum dose on the skin surface instead of a fraction of an inch deeper, as it would otherwise. Therefore, a skin reaction is almost inevitable in this scenario. Bolus is usually incorporated into radiation therapy when a surgical scar, such as a mastectomy scar, needs to receive a full dose of radiation therapy. It explains why the techs are amazed.

So how do I look and feel?
If I stand in front of a mirror naked I look really tired. My skin is on the pastie side, there’s more wrinkles under my eyes and around my mouth. My shoulders are really stooped, probably from trying to protect my surgeries, then trying to hide the fact I only had one boob. Because of that, my stomach looks huge. I’m still about 10 lbs above where I was at the beginning but that’s the least of my worries. Oh, and there’s no boobs. My hair is only about 1/4 of an inch (yes I measured it). My knees still hurt but not near as bad. I can walk better and farther than 2 months ago. I can live with them like this. My feet started hurting a few weeks ago. Almost like they’re swollen, but they aren’t. I suspect it’s nerve damage from the chemo. I stand on the cold kitchen floor to make them feel better. I’m tired all the time. I rest or nap lots. And I still feel like an emotional basket case more often than not. I still am crying far too easily.
The good stuff?
My hair is growing back. My eyelashes are coming in fuller than they were, my new eyebrows could belong to sasquatch. Been plucking them. Geez, I couldn’t wait for my hair to grow back, now I’m already ‘adjusting’ the way it looks. But not all my hair is growing back that well. My legs, I only need to shave them once a week which is so nice. My ‘privates’ are still bald. I wonder if it will grow back….My skin is still on the dry side but at least the bottoms of my feet don’t feel like I could use them for sandpaper anymore. My taste buds are still dulled but I’m eating the way I used to, if not healthier.
When I’m dressed, with my wig on, and a little makeup on (cause I have eyelashes and can wear mascara again) and I remember to stand straight, I can’t tell there’s anything wrong with me except my flat chest which will be camouflaged real soon. I only need to get the physical and emotional me on track and I can act as if non of this ever happened.

A friend took me for a prosthetic boob fitting today. Fake boobs. Foobs. They are just plain weird. Obviously I went a little bigger than I was. Since I can. Not much, but I think they are the right size for me. I couldn’t have gone porno size if I’d wanted, I’m not wide enough across my chest for anything bigger than I got. Not only that but the sizing is all weird. 1 through 12 or so and you can’t really tell by holding the thing in your hand how big it’s going to look tucked into the bras and worn.
The bras are all designed higher in the middle than I’m used to as well. I’m gonna have to get some of those fake camisole pieces I think. Most of my shirts are cut about an inch or 2 too low. Apparently they have to be like that to hold the foobs properly. To tell you the truth, most of them look like they belong to a really old lady. Not too many pretty bras it seems which really sucks. I had lots of pretty bras. They were the fun part of getting dressed in the morning.
There’s also foobs that will stick directly to my chest, but there’d be no way I could wear those right now. The left side of my chest is starting to get red and is really sensitive from radiation and the right still has a lot of scar tissue and is sensitive as well from removing the implant. We’ll leave the stick-ons for the next foob shopping expedition.
In 2 weeks I’ll get a package in the mail wrapped in plain brown paper… I gotta say, this experience was not on mine or my friend’s bucket lists.