Tomorrow is my last radiation appointment. It has helped. I can take a few steps without the cane but I tend not to. I don’t trust it, or myself, to be careful enough. Tomorrow I also have blood tests before the dreaded IV on Tuesday.
I don’t think I’m going to do the IV for a number of reasons, the main one being a major side effect that I might be susceptible to because of my history of bad teeth. Osteonecrosis “is the death of bone caused by poor blood supply to the area. Osteonecrosis of the jaw bone underneath the teeth…” I’ll talk to the Dr and se what he says. Right now I couldn’t handle more complications.
I picked up my chemo drugs yesterday but I haven’t opened the box yet. I loathe the idea of being sick again to try and make me better. I’ve had enough of fever and nausea and fatigue in the last 3 weeks. I don’t really want to lose any more weight because I can’t eat. I had a cup of coffee this morning-my first in over a week.
THEN I was willing to go through all of this horrible stuff with the hope and understanding that it would make me better. I could handle being sick and weak and in pain knowing there would be an end to it all.
NOW not so much. I’m afraid to go through all that again knowing there is no end to it.

I’ve been feeling nauseous for over a week now, to the point where it’s very hard to eat. All I could manage yesterday was an egg. Being flat on my back is the only thing that makes it go away. Somewhat. I made some ginger and honey tea that helped a bit. I’ve been losing weight like crazy. It’s being caused by the aromatase inhibitor I’ve been taking so I stopped taking it yesterday. I’ll talk to the Dr about it when I see him Tuesday. Today I managed 2 pieces of toast with honey.
My hip isn’t hurting as much thanks to the radiation treatments. I can roll over in bed without being in mind-numbing pain and I was able to clean Grady’s litter box myself today. First time in weeks. I’d be so lost without my friend who, among other things, feeds me and my cat almost everyday. Thank you.
I’m so depressed right now. I wake up in the morning and am ok until I remember what’s going on. Every day I fight the “fight or flight” response and have to force myself into going to Abbotsford for radiation. I just don’t want to be reminded every day that I have a cancer that can’t be cured. I don’t want to be in pain or feel like I’m going to throw up all the time or running a fever to try to make me live longer. That isn’t living. That’s just suffering longer.

I’m sitting in the waiting room for my appointment this morning and was stunned to see that the 4 other people waiting (we are the ones in the hospital gowns) all have grey hair. Not just a little but totally grey. Then there’s me. No grey. Does that mean that I’m too young for this?
While I’m waiting, I see that one of the “care givers” is crying. And being ignored by everyone. Now I know that having cancer is a totally selfish disease. Having it really takes away the ability to have a normal life, at least for the duration of the treatment, but come on! I went and sat with that lady. I apologized if I was intruding then told her everything would be ok. We ended up talking about her children and grand-children and it got her mind off her fear, if only for a little while. She offered me their driveway if I didn’t want to pay for parking ’cause they’re only a block away from the hospital but I declined. She prayed for me. Then my name was called.
Yes, Cancer is selfish and all-consuming but I’m not wearing blinders and didn’t feel, as a human being, dying from cancer or not, that I couldn’t help someone else who is in pain. Even if only for a little while.