Tomorrow is my first day back at work. Finally. I’m going through a bunch of emotions because of it but mostly excitement. I can’t remember the last time I’ve looked forward to something this much.
Going back to work means there’s no more intentional pain inflicted on me, no surgeries, no extreme crises to deal with. Going back to work means I’m not someone’s lab rat anymore, to be poked and prodded and shot full of killer drugs. It means I can say “I can’t because I have to work” instead of “I can’t because I’m having chemo or radiation or surgery.”
I can finally change a part of my identity that for the past 8 months has been Connie with Cancer to just Connie again. I can get rid of the notion that I’ve been carrying around that I need to identify myself as a cancer person. It’s been difficult to do that when my entire life has been centered around cancer and the treatment for it.
Going back to work has been my marker through this entire battle. To me it means that the hardest part of having cancer is over. Not to say that it’s going to be easy for me, but it won’t be as hard as the chemo treatments or as emotional as losing my hair or as painful as the surgeries to remove my boobs or as stressful as waiting for the next chemo treatment. I’ve always really liked my job and it really upset me when I couldn’t work. Going back to work means I get my life back.