They say it takes just seconds for someone to make a first impression of you. As often as I’ve said I don’t care what people think of me, getting cancer makes me realize that I do care. I wear the wig and the foobs to make a ‘normal’ impression on people that don’t know me. Around my home I don’t wear them. Doing laundry in the common area I wear one of 3 head scarfs I have just because I hate my hair right now and the scarfs are pretty and keep my head and neck warm.
I was talking to a friend, bringing them up on the cancer news and they said it didn’t matter what I look like to the people who love me. My response was that it wasn’t the people who love me who are the issue for me, it’s the people who don’t know me I’m more concerned with. If I felt I could go out with my very short hair and my very flat chest and not have people take more than a passing interest in my appearance I would. I’m still not used to the sad and sometimes scared look in people’s eyes when they find out I had breast cancer. I see women with very short hair and I immediately look at their chest. Did/do they have cancer too or is the short hair a choice for them? If they had cancer, are they struggling with the cosmetic changes too or are they happy with the short hair and no boobs? I say cosmetic because it is. As women we all do little things to make ourselves look better, a little touch of lipstick or eyeshadow, a new blouse that flatters our figure, dying out the gray hair or adding streaks to it. Adding a wig and foobs is pretty much the same thing. The difference is I add them to look normal, not better.
It’s an emotional roller coaster ride. Some days I feel great. I fought a dragon and got scarred in the process but I won! The dragon is dead and I’m alive. Other days I feel defeated. The scars are too much and I wish I had my real hair back. And no matter how much the wig looks real, I can still feel how fake it is and am really self-conscious with it on. I know I can’t grow boobs back but they can be camouflaged so much easier than hair. Some days I get pissed off and feel cheated out of being normal, the scars are a poor trade off for having won the battle.