I have days like today (more than I care to admit to myself) where I just can’t seem to get it together emotionally. I’m not sure what sets it off, maybe today it was seeing my plastic surgeon, although I was having a hard time keeping it together on the drive to his office. Maybe it’s a smell or a word, I’m not sure. I just know that some days I feel like I’m right in the middle of all the treatment again. I feel so many different emotions that no amount of “act as if” or telling myself the treatment is done or trying to distract myself seems to stop the total and compete sadness, depression maybe, that I feel.
Maybe the plastic surgeon said it best today, even tho he was describing my scar. It’s indented. It healed nicely but it’s got lots a lumps and bumps around it. He says he can fix it when I’m ready if I ever want it fixed, to look like the other side of me. I cried in his office. Just the thought of more surgery really sent me over the edge. But maybe in a year or 2 or so I’ll want it fixed. He apologized for the implants not working out. I told him it was my body’s fault, not his.
For now, I feel like the scar. Indented. All lumpy and bumpy. And battered. Not even or balanced or whole. I feel like only part of a person. And then I feel worse because the cancer is gone and the treatment was over 5 weeks ago, not yesterday. But today it feels like yesterday and I feel indented.