I don’t want to do this anymore. The pain in my knees and pelvis is so bad it’s hard to walk. Laying down isn’t comfortable. I can’t stand long enough to do anything. I’d quit chemo if it was for longer than 4 sessions. I’m not managing the pain, it’s managing me. My scars feel like pins and needles. Please tell me it’ll go away soon.

Still feeling shaky and achy. My knees are killing me and my scars hurt. I have a little bit of a headache but I think that’s caffeine withdrawal. Food doesn’t taste good. Even the coca cola I love so much doesn’t taste good. It’s plain water for me. But. If these are all the side effects I get I’ll take them. There are many that are far worse.

So far so good. I’m really weak and shaky and incredibly tired. My stomach is a little unsettled but I’m not vomiting. My brain is mush. I can’t concentrate on anything for any length of time. Lets hope this is the limit of the side effects. I just wish I knew how long it all lasts.

My first chemo was today. I met with the Dr first. I asked about my red face and neck. It’s a side affect of the steroid. He called it ‘flushing’ or something and it’s normal. I asked about being in crowds, I can go the the mall and on the ferry but I have to be really careful because what I need to avoid is bacterial infections, not viral. So the colds and flues that go thru the air conditioner at work are ok if they aren’t bacterial.
It took 2 nurses and 2 tries to get the I.V. in. My veins run away when they see a needle 😦 They’d even put a heating pad on my hand to pump them up, and they were there, nice and big. Till they saw the needle. They gave me saline to hydrate me while we waited for the pharmacy to deliver my cocktail. The first drug they pumped into me took an hour. It was more annoying than painful. Then they flushed it with more saline then the second drug, but it came with bonuses. Ice mitts for my hands and ice packs for my feet. I guess some people get nerve damage-called Neuropathy-so they basically freeze your hands and feet to stop that from happening. That was really uncomfortable! That made the drug going into my system ice cold. That one took an hour too. Then they again flush it with more saline and send me on my way.
The warnings were sprinkled over the 4 hours I was there. Warning me about fevers, take the anti-vomitting medication if I feel it coming on, don’t try and ‘tough it out’ or it’ll be worse. Drink tons of water over the next 2 days at least. One of the nurses gave me her cell number, she says she doesn’t do that for just anybody so I was feeling a little special. And the biggy as far as I’m concerned. I’m toxic. For the next 48 hours. Good thing I don’t live with anyone cause I have to double flush the toilet, wipe it down if I think I’ve ‘missed’ my shot, I’m not a guy but stranger things have happened 🙂 And if I vomit (they use that word a lot) make sure to use rubber gloves to clean up. Then I gotta clean the rubber gloves. And the faucets. My cat won’t come near me right now. So ya, I’m toxic.
Losing my hair will occur around the 3rd to 6th week, so me thinks I’ll be looking at wigs. I’ll go back to my favorite auburn colour. I’m not one of these ‘proud to be bald’ cancer survivors.
My next trip is on the 8th but I have to go in for a blood test on the 7th to make sure my white blood count is high enough to handle another dose. So ya, chemo is killing good cells with the bad.
I also understand the ‘young’ thing. My surgeon keeps telling me I’m young for this. The other 5 people in the room were all 60+. I was the baby.
I feel ok so far except for the brain of mush and the feeling of weakness. And the sore, bruised hand. Apparently if I’m going to ‘vomit’ it’ll start tomorrow and can last 3-5 days. Here’s to hoping I don’t!

Who was it that came up with the line about “..never given more than you can deal with..” ? Every time I get totally overwhelmed with what’s going on around me, that line pops into my head. Then I get pissed off and wonder what that person knows that I don’t. I wonder what happened in their life to make them believe in that line. Then I calm down and realize it’s true. I am capable of dealing with anything that comes my way. It sure does seem to be piled high these last few years though. I’m hoping nothing else gets thrown at the pile…

Thanks for letting me win when we played games. For having a farm so I knew what fresh milk really tastes like. For remembering who I was when I visited. I’ll miss you.

Can food really fight breast cancer? I’ve seen 2 different versions of ’10 foods that fight breast cancer’ and they aren’t the same. They do have foods in common, walnuts, pomegranates, broccoli sprouts and salmon. So why aren’t the list the same? Which do I follow? Or do I combine them and have 15 foods that fight breast cancer instead of 10? And why isn’t there a consensus on it? I know that diet can play a part in general health and can also play a part in recovery, but how well does it really fend off diseases? If there’s more than one list, does it really matter what we eat as long as it’s considered healthy?

So my insurance company called me today for an update from my last surgery. It wasn’t my case worker but another lady. With an accent. British I think. Is it just me or do women with accents seem mean? I’ve been trying to get a hold of my caseworker for 2 days but keep getting her voice mail and told this lady that. I also let her know I start chemo on Tuesday and this will roll my claim over to long term and I was trying to get in touch to let them know. This lady was miffed that there isn’t any information from doctors on my file other than the original claim form. That’s my fault, how exactly? They haven’t asked for anything. And trying to explain to her that I don’t have a GP or family doctor but that my surgeon has everything and it’s possible the doctor I saw to get a mammogram may or may not have copies of everything seemed to really upset her. She couldn’t fathom that I don’t have a family doctor. Get a hold of the surgeon, quit judging me and don’t mess with my claim please.

So I guess I fooled myself into thinking I was ‘cured’ enough not to need the harsh chemicals of chemo. I compared my situation to my mom’s. I tried to make it more minor than the major thing it is. Now I’ve got just days to get it together and come to terms with it. No sense going into it on Tuesday fighting the flight response I have right now.
I saw the plastic surgeon again today. He says everything is healing nicely. He’s anxious to get the expander put in. I’m anxious to get it all done so I can go back to work and back to my normal, uneventful life. He says I can expect the expander to be about 6 weeks of recovery. The expanding part takes about 6 months. I should be able to have some normalcy thru that. Then the expander out, implant in is about 6 weeks too. He says we’re going to become good friends over the next year. I see him again in 3 weeks. The only thing holding all this up is whether or not I’m having radiation. Way things are going I’ll err on the side of caution and go with having it. Now if I only knew for how long….
The light at the end of the tunnel? I’m allowed to get my tattoo. On my left wrist, right where I want it, after this is all over with. That will be my present to myself for being such a good girl through all of this.

I know I spent most of yesterday in a fog with spots of showers. I’d been told over and over again any time I asked that I’d be getting chemo and or radiation but until I was given my first appointment and a prescription for drugs it never really sunk in. Today most of me is trying to ignore it. Parts of me needs to and will before Tuesday, find out what I need to know about it outside of what the oncologist told me and the side effects sheet I got. What really helped me feel like crap yesterday was when I went to pick up my prescription the woman behind the counter whispered that ‘these are for chemo therapy.’ No shit, you don’t think I know that? Whispering it made it worse. Granted, there were other people in line, but there’s nothing like stating the obvious.
I was trying to get my prescriptions straight today. Take 2 pills twice a day for 3 days starting the day before the cycle is one bottle. There’s 48 pills so I guess I’m taking them in sets of 12. Then there’s one to take the day of the chemo but 30 minutes before they jab me with the chemicals. Then there’s one to take 1 to 2 days after chemo if I need them. Me, who never needed a schedule before, never had a problem with remembering when and what, has started using the calendar on my phone for all my appointment and pill popping needs.