Every day, little by little, I’m coming to terms with all this. Today I think is the first day I haven’t wanted to cry. Is it surrender? Possibly. I’ve played out every scenario that can happen with all this. The worst would be radiation, chemo, and problems with the implants. The best? No radiation or chemo and a very speedy recovery. Whatever happens in the end I will have to deal with. And I will deal with it. Most days for me it’s hard to be positive, I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop but having cancer is forcing me to see more good in everything and not the bad. That may well be one of the best things that comes out of all this.
Month: July 2011
the shakes
I’ve noticed, especially over the last week or so, that I have what I can only describe as internal shakes. The feeling you get when you’ve had too much coffee or not enough sleep. My hands aren’t shaking but they feel like it when I try to write, or dial the phone, or move the mouse around the computer screen. It seems to go with the heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s starting to annoy me. Makes me feel like I’m not in control of anything and I guess at this point, I’m not.
tested
Blood work-done. Not fun, they had a hard time finding a vein. I think they all shrunk up as soon as they saw the needle. Meeting with the nurse-done. As an added bonus I also got a chest x-ray. Because I smoke.
It’s official, on the paperwork I’m having a simple (total) mastectomy. They’re taking all the breast tissue and nipple but leaving the muscle and axillary nodes. According to the book the surgeon gave me “..if a woman who has a strong family history of breast cancer decides to have both breasts removed… a total mastectomy is the best operation..” I will be staying in the hospital overnight, which sucks and they’ll send in a physical therapist to show me exercises to do to get mobility back into my arm. Also, if they have to put a drain in (ewww!) they’ll send a home-care nurse to my house to take care of it. Thank gawd. Nothing worse than having someone close to me taking care of something so icky.
The waiting is still causing me anxiety. I just want to get it over with. The rest of the anxiety, funny enough, is coming from not having a definitive date that I get to return to work. Again with the not knowing, and waiting. For someone like me who is into instant gratification, it sucks to not know.
one more step
So tomorrow I see the surgical nurse-I think that’s who she is. I remember mom going to one and her telling us all about the surgery and what to expect. I also get blood work done. And get the paperwork from my surgeon for the disability coverage. A busy day.
The nurse, hopefully may be able to answer more questions for me. More of them seem to crop up as the days go by. The blood work I’m not looking forward to, not that anyone ever does but I’m terrified of needles. Thursday I get a cracked tooth fixed-more needles. Guess I better get used to it. Maybe I’ll luck out and the chemo will be drugs, not needles.
I’m in a better frame of mind today. Did I finally come to terms with this breast cancer? Maybe. I certainly can’t seem to get rid of it through sheer mind power. If I go by mom’s example, she recovered pretty quickly but then she didn’t get a whole boob removed. But I am younger than her and don’t have the heart condition she does. I’ll be FINE…LOL
depression
It’s hard not to feel depressed. It’s even harder to fight it enveloping me into a big black blanket. The thoughts that swirl through my head really take on a ‘poor me’ feel and I don’t like it. I had my nails done today. I get them done once a month, and they’re acrylic and flamboyant and I like them that way. It may be the last time I get them done for a while, they may need to be removed for chemo. Another thing taken away from me by cancer. But I’ll find out. And maybe the article I read is outdated. I went grocery shopping today and was trying to figure out what I’ll be able to make when I don’t have the use of my left arm, being left-handed. Soup? I can nuke that, but will I be able to open it? Salad? Maybe if I pre-cut all the fixins for it before the surgery. I’m not even sure what I’ll feel like eating. And why bother buying hairspray or shampoo? I may lose my hair. I know millions of women have gotten through this, including the females of my family. I know I’m going to get through this. But it’s really difficult fighting the negative thoughts that seem to fly right along with the cancer.
every thought
Why does every thought I have need to end in the word cancer? Why can’t I have one full day without that word? Why do I have to obsess about it? I wake up with it in my head and fall asleep with it there too. Some days it’s impossible to think I’m going to get through this. I know I wouldn’t be able to get through a single day feeling sane without the support of the people around me. How do people ever get through something like this alone?
tired
I’m tired today. Tired of being afraid of everything to do with this from the pain to the unknown. Tired from thoughts of cancer never leaving my brain. Tired of worrying about everything from how long I’m going to be off work to how I’m going to look after this surgery takes away parts of me. Tired of wondering if I’m going to be able to quit smoking. Tired of fighting the ‘why me’s’ and the tears and the fears. Tired of hoping I’m asking all the right questions and tired of the need to make sure everything is in place for this. My surgery is 2 weeks away today and I’m just tired.
i wonder
Most of my adult life I’d wanted bigger boobs. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be a porn star and I like seeing my feet. I never even planned on getting implants, it was just one of those things you think about when you get asked what you would change about yourself. Even though I wanted to be bigger, I wasn’t going to force the issue. But I gotta wonder…Is this all a case of “Be careful what you wish for”? Now I know that those are crazy thoughts but still…
really touched
A co-worker does the Run For The Cure every year. I’m not going to mention names here, that’s not what this site is about. She said every year she’s done it, she’s walked. This year she’s been training and will be running. She asked if she could run for me. (Even writing this brings tears to my eyes). I’m honoured that she would do that and of course she can! And thank you!
I’ve been around cancer for years now, it’s almost like it’s been part of my life like another family member. You know, the black sheep of the family that causes problems no matter what they do or where they go. I went with mom through most of her appointments, stayed with her for the first 2 weeks of her recovery from surgery, her second go-round with breast cancer. Aunts have had it, saw my uncle and step-dad die from it, but I never truly understood the panic, fear, depression and strength that comes with being diagnosed with it. I guess the old adage of ‘Walk a mile …’ is true.
My sister has been with me to all my appointments so far and (in my opinion) has gone out of her way to be with me, take notes and ask questions for me. She’s even filled out some of the paperwork for me because my hands were shaking too bad. I love you sis. If (when?) you go through this, know you can count on me too, ok? I can imagine the fear you’re feeling.
the surgery(s)
So I saw the plastic surgeon today. He’s got a great sense of humor. He said I was a perfect candidate for implants. He said he causes the pain and the other surgeon causes the scars. They take pictures of before and after and promised they wouldn’t show up on Facebook. I told him I wanted to be a little bigger than I am now, about the size his receptionist is (funny how everyone else’s boobies have become important to me) and he made a joke about not knowing what they looked like, that he’s married. LOL He also told me I have to quit smoking. 2 weeks before the implants go in and for 6 weeks after or the implants probably won’t work. The nicotine messes with the blood flow and will cause the skin flaps to fail and the implants will ‘fall out’. His words. I’m not sure how I’m going to do that. The patch has nicotine in it. Maybe I can do those now before the implants. Also, the boob with the cancer will get a new nipple built and tattooed. My mom hates tattoos but hell, this one I need 🙂
Then I went and saw the surgeon who will be removing the cancer. Because the plastic surgeon is going on holidays for 5 weeks, and leaves this Friday, I’m going to end up needing 3 surgeries. She did say I could wait till he got back and then only have 1 (implants going in at the same time as my boobs come off) or find a different surgeon who could do the implants at the same time but I like her, and him and I trust her. I couldn’t see wasting more time looking for someone else I like and it doesn’t make sense knowing the tumor is growing. She did indicate that this needs to come out sooner rather than later. So I’m having 3 surgeries. And chemo. And radiation. I asked her for sure on those and she said yes. The 2nd surgery is to put an expander in to replace the missing boob and stretch the skin making room for the implant and the 3rd is to do the implants. Her office will call me when they’ve made an appointment for me to see a surgical nurse and to do all the blood tests they need. I’m going to be out of commission for probably 4-6 weeks for this surgery.
The sentinel node thingy, they inject me with a radioactive dye, will be done the morning of the surgery and in New West. This determines the first node of my lymph nodes that the breast lymph ducts drain to. They can remove this one node at the time of the cancer surgery to be tested to see if the cancer has spread. Then back to Maple Ridge to have the cancer surgery.
I’m hoping that chemo and I play nice together because it’s going to be for 6 months. I am already losing my boobs, I don’t want to lose my hair too. Or get really sick, or bloat up. Or not survive the whole thing.
It finally hit me today how serious this really is. I have cancer. I’m having surgery on the 28th of this month to get rid of it. I didn’t ask for it, don’t want it and can’t control it. I should be saying cancer has me. And today I’m afraid.
Connie's Breast Cancer Journey 