All day today I’ve been trying to convince myself that my diagnosis is a dream, that I don’t really have breast cancer. If only that were true. I was reading a bunch of posts from people and it seems that they only post when there’s complications. It’s all been rather depressing. I don’t plan on having complications. I’m planning on having a smooth transition from real boobies to fake boobies and a speedy recovery with no hair loss or throwing up 🙂
Month: July 2011
other stuff
I’ve been able to keep cancer out of my mind, or at least at the back out of the way by trying to figure out how this blog is designed. I’m tired now.
2 more sleeps and one more step ahead. 2 more sleeps and maybe some more answers to what’s going to happen to me. I’m glad there are weekends that allow me to lock my door and not show my face for a day or 2. I seem to be able to calm myself down and get the scary words in my head to stop better when it’s just me.
serious
It shook me up at one point today, that people die from this. I struggled with that for a few minutes then went back to my internal manta-I’m not dying, I only have breast cancer. Let’s hope it stays at the mantra.
My appointments on Monday are causing me some anxiety. Am I gonna regret my decision? Am I doing the right thing? What’s it gonna be like to hand pick my own boobies? Will I make the right choice? I still am really wanting to know when my surgery date is and how long my down time will be, but I also know that every decision that I make causes my fight or flight to kick in and I just want to run away and hide. “Play ostrich” as my sister says.
I saw a t-shirt today on a website that says ‘Yes they’re fake! the real ones tried to kill me’. Me thinks I’ll buy me one.
calmer
I’m calmer today. Not feeling as desperate or disconnected. It still nails me between the eyes that this is really happening. I really DO have cancer and really am having major surgery. But it didn’t nail me as often today. And I am more in control of my emotions. And I know I can do this and come out the other side stronger.
And a coworker is designing a tattoo for me for when this is all over. It will be the breast cancer pink ribbon and a white butterfly. It will be a reward for me. Something to look forward to at the end of this journey.
changes
Yup, I changed the way this looks again. The posts are longer than they appear and unless you knew to click on the post title, you missed some of them. So go ahead, if you’re one of them, read on 🙂
I was feeling sorry for myself today. All alone, a pity party of sorts and of which I do think I’m entitled to on occasion but today ended differently than it started. I realized there are loads of people around me that DO really care, honestly, from the heart. And I need to learn to reach out, and use the support I feel around me for these really low days to prop myself back up. I can borrow from the people in my life until I, once again, feel strong enough to go it alone. In the end, anyone with cancer IS alone, but we don’t have to always carry it alone, especially when we feel we can’t.
Thank you for teaching me that today.
the surgeon
She told me lots of things. Because of the size of my tumor (it has grown) and the placement of it, regardless of the choice I make, partial or full mastectomy, it will require reconstructive surgery. They haven’t determined the type of cancer yet, but it’s one of the 2 common ones, whatever they are. I didn’t ask. She did indicate that I would be having chemo. And radiation. I won’t know those for sure until I see an oncologist. After we’d discussed my family history and I asked about getting both breast removed, she agreed that it may be the way to go.
What’s standing out for me isn’t that I have cancer, it’s that parts of me aren’t going to be mine anymore. It’s becoming more real in that way. Yes. I have cancer, but does it have to take away pieces of what makes me ME? And why does it have to be parts that are visible? I joke about getting new bigger, younger boobies but really, I wish I could keep mine. I’ve had them for umpteen years. I’ve become attached to them!
I don’t have any surgery dates yet, what I do have is a date with a plastic surgeon next Monday and almost right after, an appointment with the surgeon to give her my decision as to the choice I’ve made….I’m going to have a bilateral mastectomy. No sense having 2 different boobs, and realistically, it’s better in the long run to take away as much opportunity as possible for the cancer to grab ahold of me again.
Only thing is, I’m going to need 2 surgeries. One for the initial removal and one for the final reconstruction. They probably won’t do the full implant jobbie on the one boob that needs radiation, it tends to get in the way apparently.
I feel sick.
today and tomorrow
So I tried all night to figure out how to create a new background for this site but still can’t concentrate long enough to do it. Maybe this weekend, but for now I found and like this one. For those who know me well enough, it suits me 🙂
Tomorrow I meet the surgeon. I find out the next step in getting rid of this ‘thing’. I’ve been doing some reading (bad idea) and have found everything from forced menopause (my cancer is hormone positive) to hysterectomy for the same reason. The forced menopause I can handle, the other, not so much. I never wanted kids but I’m getting really tired of having fake pieces of myself.
I’m really anxious, nervous, hyper about tomorrow, but I’m not afraid. I have lots of questions for the surgeon, but mostly I want to know the process and how long my down-time will be.
I still don’t see having cancer as being a death sentence.
can’t sit still
I’ve been trying to work on my new site and the layout for this blog so I can move the other one here but I can’t sit still. And I can’t concentrate. 2 more sleeps till I meet with the surgeon and find out my fate. I have a lot of questions for her.
If I was to rate my anxiety level today it would be an 8 out of 10.
paranoia
I think my cancer lump is growing.
I don’t like to touch it much, it really freaks me out to even know it’s there, but it feels bigger than it did 2 weeks ago. If that’s possible.
Connie's Breast Cancer Journey 