The surgeon appointment today didn’t go as hoped but it did go as expected.  The cancer has spread to my lymph nodes.  That means more cancer surgery under my arm.  She’s going to do it at the same time as they start the reconstruction.  She’s set the date for Sept 1st for all of it.  I have another appointment with her next week to finalize it all.  So she will go in and remove more lymph nodes and my other boob, the plastic surgeon will put the expander in on the left side and the implant in on the right.  Then chemo and more surgery to replace the expander with an implant.  I thought I was incapacitated with this first surgery….

The cancer is lobular.  She said it’s the type that is hard to find on mammograms and  doesn’t usually show on ultra sounds so it’s hard to pick up.  I like her sense of humour.  She took my bandages off and grinned at her work, then said it was healing nicely.  If I was really morbid I’d take pictures.  What is odd, is I still have the habit of something being there.  It’s like I can still feel my boob.

I’m also fighting staying in the moment.  It would be so easy to ignore what’s going on right now, after all, I’ve got 2 weeks before I have to face it, but that’s not a good thing.  I need to pay attention right now.  I need to focus on this and take care of and prepare myself for what’s ahead and right now, I’m just plain scared.