Every where I go there are displays or reminders of the campaign for (against?) breast cancer.  I don’t think they brought this stuff out now just for me to see or because the Run For The Cure is coming up.  I think they’ve always been there.  I think I’ve either ignored them or truly never seen them.  And that makes me sad.  And angry.  Sad that it has to be displayed so prominently because it’s so prevalent.  Angry for the same reasons.

Tomorrow I see the surgeon again to pin down the next surgery date.  She says it’s Sept 1st but that’s going to be based on the plastic surgeon’s schedule.  Lets get this over with people!  I have a life I want/need to get back to.

I almost feel normal today besides the phantom itches.  My left side is still tight but that’ll loosen up, I think as soon as the scab is gone and the skin can stretch.  But these phantom feelings are weird and annoying.  I get an itch, go to scratch and there’s nothing there.  And the numbness.  I try to forget what’s happened but I’m reminded every time I move.  I’m so not looking forward to more surgery.  I wish I could snap my fingers and just have it all over with.  I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that there’s a good chance I’ll lose my hair if I have chemo and I can’t get there.  It just really makes me sad.

So in order of fears:  the next round of surgery, losing my hair and stopping smoking.

I’ve always thought of myself as spontaneous, not one for routines but lately I’m wishing I had my old routine back.  I’m having a hard time remembering what day it is.  Is this what retirement is like?  No energy to do anything, aches and pains when the energy does show up and really no reason to get out of bed in the morning.   I feel like I’ve been away from work for a month and it’s only been  3 weeks.  I’m still waking up early, then wonder why.  I’ve really got to find a hobby that can take up time, is interesting and fulfilling and easy to do one armed.  I’m going to be off work for a while yet and some days I feel like I’m gonna go crazy.

The left side of my chest is numb.  It has been since the surgery and apparently that’s normal.  But it’s weird, to touch that area and not feel anything.  My hand feels the skin, the scar that’s forming, the scab, but the skin feels nothing.  The layer underneath, the muscle I guess, feels the pressure of my hand but that’s it.   I wonder if the feeling will come back.  And will the other side feel the same when I have the next surgery?  Am I destined to have these really nice fake boobs with no feeling?

I had to get out on my own, been feeling like a caged animal or a parolee with an electronic monitor on my ankle.  Needed groceries so I drove to the store and got really scared that ‘something’ would happen and I’d make a spectacle of myself in the store.  But I took my time and was careful and was only shaking a little bit when I got back to my car.  I wouldn’t want to drive on a busy highway but at least I know I can drive again.  Then I went to the casino.  Felt a little guilty about that, but I needed out and I can go there and forget everything for a while.  I didn’t make any money but I did win some self-esteem.  Talking to strangers seems to have given it to me.  Even got into a cancer conversation with one of the floor guys.  He had colon cancer in January and it went sideways.  Got infected.   We traded initial feelings of the diagnosis and other cancer tidbits.  And I feel better now.

Today I’ve been trying to figure out what bothers me the most about all this so I can break it apart and blow it away.  I can’t seem to find one thing to focus on.  There’s a lot of things. 
The way I look right now is huge.  I’m really self-conscious of it.  I’ve always lacked a bit of self-esteem, but was ok with what I had.  Now, not so much. 
Right after the surgery bothers me.  Oh, not the pain.  Pain I can handle, but the nausea.  I don’t want to throw up.  With both sides being worked on this time, how much movement will I have?  I don’t want to have to pee in a bedpan.  I need to retain some dignity and that wouldn’t do it. 
The healing.  Ya, that bothers me too.  I don’t like looking at the scar/scab but I have to.  And when will I be able to sleep on my side again?  Sleeping on my back is so not conducive to a good night’s sleep.  
Will the implants take?  Or will my body reject them?  Will I be able to quit smoking, at least for the duration to give them a better chance? 
Having to rely on people to look after me and do the simple things for me like feed Merlin bothers me.  Oh I know my family and friends don’t see it as a chore but I feel like I’m putting them out. 
The chemo bothers me.  Again with the nausea and the possibility of losing my hair.  Please don’t take my hair!  In my opinion, women shouldn’t be bald. 
And ya, I have cancer.  That bothers me.

So now what bothers me is I don’t know where to start with this list, it’s all so overwhelming some days.