I’m restless today.  Was up at 5am and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I did have a nap at 2 but the restlessness returned after.  I see the surgeon tomorrow and hopefully the pathology news is good.

2 weeks ago today I had surgery, I understand now why the surgeon kept laughing every time I asked if I could go back to work in 2 weeks.  I don’t even have all the bandages off yet and I can’t drive and normal tasks, doing dishes, changing kitty litter, having a bath, are still taking me twice as long as normal.  I’m not ready for life yet, let alone all that goes with it.

One of my favorite stores is La Senza.  I’ve ordered from them online and get emails from them about once a week.  I used to love getting the emails and seeing what sales were on, what  new bras they had, I’ve always thought they were so pretty.  Not now.  Now the emails are just a reminder of how far I’ve still got to go.  Kind of a weird goal to get to-the chance to buy a new, real bra again.  I don’t even know what size I’ll be.

The mobility of my arm still has a way to go as far as I’m concerned.  I didn’t realize how much my reach would be affected after surgery.  I almost feel like they cut muscle, and who knows, maybe they do.  I didn’t ask.  Every day my arm gets a little stronger and a little more back to normal, but like everything else it’s just not fast enough for me.  Rushing all this isn’t an option though.  My body is setting the pace.

I spent the day alone today.  The first, maybe 2nd, since I got out of the hospital.  I needed it.  I still have so much to process and it’s hard to do with someone here.  Now that I’m consentrating on recovery and not finding a way to feel no pain, I’m finding more things creep into my head about what’s going on.   Not only aobut the cancer, but my life and me in general.

Maybe this is what I needed to learn to really like myself for the sum of whatever parts are left.   I’ve never worn much make-up, or dressed up fancy, I prefer my jeans and would refer to myself as ‘down to earth’, but I think like a lot of people I’ve wished I were prettier in one way or another.  Having cancer and a masectomy kinda takes the wind outta that sail.   I have to learn to like me just as I am and lean on my other strengths to get me through this whole body image problem I’m having.

The scar, what isn’t still covered by a bandage, isn’t pretty and I guess it shouldn’t be at this point but I hope there comes a day when I can look in the mirror and not remember what it looks like at all.

So tomorrow I see the surgeon to get the drain and bandages removed.  Not sure when-I have to call in the morning.  Finally.  I’m hoping I get to find out what’s next and when.  Does she have the results of the tumor?  Good news or bad news about ‘getting it all’.  I’m playing the waiting game again.  If nothing else, I may actually learn patience from all this.

Today I feel ok.  I’m still not pushing my left side, I don’t want to have it pull again, but I’m so ready to have all this stuff off.   I’m not ready however, to see what it looks like.  There’s so many levels to this that I wonder if I’ll get through all of them.

I watched the last half of a documentary today about a family of women in Canada that had breast cancer.  I couldn’t really relate to the person who did it except for the fact that she didn’t want to pass on the fear.  There’s no special test to tell if you will get breast cancer, but having a family full of it is a strong indicator.  Still…some women in my family won’t get it and for that, I’m happy.

I’m finding my cat is having to deal with all this too.  His world has been rocked.  He doesn’t like people in his home, and he may come by that honestly because I usually don’t either.  This is my sanctuary, my safe zone.  When I walk in and lock the door, the outside world and all it entails is in effect, gone and I feel safe and secure.  My family and a friend have been here at least once a day, sometimes twice  since this started and Merlin runs and hides in the bedroom each time until they’re gone and I tell him so, then he comes out with a cry and turns into a needy kitten, wanting all my attention.

Normally he’s used to sleeping on my stomach if I’m on the couch, but since my surgery I’ve not let him do that when he wants but when I’m comfortable with it.  He’s not sure what’s going on and isn’t happy about not having control over me, having his routine changed.   At night he’s been sleeping on the back of the couch, the only spot big enough for him close to me.  Last night he fell off, right onto my chest. Not sure where he’ll try sleeping tonight.

The range of people-and pets-this is affecting is amazing, from Merlin to my work, to my family and friends.  I have to deal with the cancer and it’s effects on me personally, and it is personal, but I really feel for everyone else around me who’s lives have been disrupted by this.  I hope someday I can pay it back, or at least pay it forward….

So it’s been a week since my surgery.  I’m trying to assess my progress and feel like I’ve stopped.  Today the tendon(muscle?) that runs from my chest to my shoulder is a little swollen and sore.  I think it’s the way I’ve been holding my arm, having it sit on top of the bandage/staples that are in the way.  If it hasn’t gone down by tomorrow, I may go to the hospital.  The pain seems to be completely gone but in it’s place is this annoying feeling of healing, a coming out of numbness.

One week ago today they took away my left breast and whether I was ready for it or not, my life changed.  With more to come.  I am, once again, tired of waiting for the next step.  I just want to get it all over with and get my life back, spare parts and all.  I want to be comfortable and at ease, and minus staples in my body.  I don’t think I will ever feel normal again, but at least eventually, I will look normal.

I try to see this whole process as a badge of honor.  I’ve survived and as a survivor my badge is implants and I should not be ashamed of it.  But I’m a shy person.  I don’t like to stand out.  I’m the girl at the dance who stands against the wall, or the girl you see with her nose in a book, I’m not the one who gets to say they have breast cancer without a twinge of apprehension.  I have so much to learn about me and this new life.

So I went to feed the cat today and pulled…something.  Was in bad pain for a few minutes there but it did calm down.  Doesn’t hurt to cough or move or anything like that but I’ve gotten really protective of it again.  It.  What a joke.  There’s nothing there.  I’ve lost 2 lbs and I wonder if my boob weighed that.

I talked to a nurse at this nurse network place and asked if I could get the drain removed now because it’s hardly draining anything anymore.  He, yes, it was a he, said no harm, no foul leaving it in until my appointment with the surgeon or wait until it’s been dry for 24 hours then get it removed.

Right now I’m so conscious of having a missing part.  I don’t know if the drain accentuates that or not, it may.  It may also be that I can’t even make my hair look right or get rid of the sallow and drawn out look on my face.   I guess every up day has to have a down part once in a while.